I was listening to the mellifluous song "Apki nazron ne samjha" on youtube sometime back. Going by my regular habit, I read through some of the comments too. One comment, in particular, made me introspective :
"What a song , I saw this movie in the year '62 in Mysore. When ever I listen to this wonderful song I just go back down the lane..50 years has passed even then the melody of this song still lingers in the ears and minds.."
50 years!!............It set my thoughts rolling on a path that has now led to this post..what might life have been for him 50 years ago? A young man, full of zest for life living in another era that is so long back that it seems surreal...but still I imagined...life the way it might have been when the old man of today was in the prime of his life...
I am going to turn 26 in a few days time; the number makes me feel old! I am mentally still a chirpy girl and do not relate to the image of a "26-year-old woman" at all! Even so, I would not be considered "old" by most. But one thing I have experienced time and again is that longing to relive times gone by. I've had a lovely childhood in the picturesque Haldia township and life was full of innocent fun & simple joys. Shifting to Kolkata at age 12 changed the scenario somewhat and my adolescence had it's own share of interesting & memorable events. My life has had lofty crests and abysmal troughs, but was rarely consumed by boredom. As I move more and more away from the idyllic childhood days, those times seem more and more precious, perhaps rendered fonder by the tinting of nostalgia. I used to get these "nostalgia attacks" where I would detest growing old, would desperately want to turn back time, and crave to travel back to those lost faery realms..I have labelled them "attacks" as they had the power to elicit a sharp pain, a desperate longing and profound sadness on always experiencing the fact that those times in my life are over, that they'll only be memories and stay alive in my own private time-travels.Sometimes this very thought would get me depressed..and I would wonder that is there any point in living anymore?What new experiences would colour my life now?The unhindered joys of childhood, the rebellious & volatile adolescent years, the emotional waves & ripples a young adult's life typically encompasses have all left their impressions...and now I am in the routine life full of responsibility and working towards attainment of expected life goals.Is there any new brushstroke waiting to come now that life is mechanized? Perhaps, marriage and motherhood. Yes those are two experiences I like to dream about still..but that's it then. After that it is just fulfilling one's duties of raising up kids, and its continuation till the final journey..Of course this is not how most people think as life's offerings are myriad and are there for new lessons for us at every stage (and my own life is anything but routine and mechanized) but in the state of the nostalgia attack, these unfortunate thoughts flood my mind and I feel a boundless despairing for all that is lost in the inescapable alleyways of time, and then finally I forcefully inject in some positivism, rebuke myself for yet another foolish episode and take a plunge back to reality. I wonder if this happens to others a well... Does anyone else feel ill-equipped to handle the unavoidable passage of time?
Somehow the attacks have lost their intensity a bit, and after coming to IISc they seem to have lessened a lot. I cannot fathom why....but if I were to hazard a guess, maybe it is because the next accepted life goal of marriage is fluttering so near that it is clouding the fact that the novelty in life is giving away to routine, living is slowly losing ground to existing.(Of course such views belong to my low-states; the otherwise ebullient, bubbly me is more of an optimistic whiner according to most people).
Now that I have established the background of yet another aspect of my weirdness, I would dwell on the thought that started this outpouring. When I read the aforementioned comment (above, in red), I immediately conjured up myself 50 years hence. At 25, I have such powerful longing for times which are moving farther and farther away..when I'll be in my seventies (if I live to see the day) how would it be? What do really old people do about this desperation to turn back time? Would my winter-days be spent in traveling as far back in time as I can and staying in the imaginary world where life is still under my control and exist by going from one memory to another? It would be a solitary journey, as most witness of those times gone by would probably no more. Will I despair for the loss of familiarity in the world around me? Will a melody make me go back the long memory lane into days of yore? Who knows...probably when life is slow and there is time to retrospect and dive deep into the mind's wonders, with the knowledge of the light fading out soon, such aching nostalgia would be a constant part of my life.
But, then again, coming out the sober musings, I would probably strive to make the most of my life even then, even with days going by just living in the past. There are so many things that can make one useful, no matter what life-stage may be passing..I hope that I make an effort in that direction. I also hope that when life's struggles test me and there is destruction rampant, I will be able to handle that with grace and dignity. Anyway I am diverting from the topic and going into the slippery territory of "meaning of my life".Let that be a subject to ponder upon in a future post.
Somehow I have a feeling that this post has become too convoluted and abstract for anyone to make sense out of it.Well, no matter, my blog is more like my diary, a window to my soul and written mainly for my future own self so let this be a post which is for myself to relate to and understand in a time yet to come.
"What a song , I saw this movie in the year '62 in Mysore. When ever I listen to this wonderful song I just go back down the lane..50 years has passed even then the melody of this song still lingers in the ears and minds.."
50 years!!............It set my thoughts rolling on a path that has now led to this post..what might life have been for him 50 years ago? A young man, full of zest for life living in another era that is so long back that it seems surreal...but still I imagined...life the way it might have been when the old man of today was in the prime of his life...
I am going to turn 26 in a few days time; the number makes me feel old! I am mentally still a chirpy girl and do not relate to the image of a "26-year-old woman" at all! Even so, I would not be considered "old" by most. But one thing I have experienced time and again is that longing to relive times gone by. I've had a lovely childhood in the picturesque Haldia township and life was full of innocent fun & simple joys. Shifting to Kolkata at age 12 changed the scenario somewhat and my adolescence had it's own share of interesting & memorable events. My life has had lofty crests and abysmal troughs, but was rarely consumed by boredom. As I move more and more away from the idyllic childhood days, those times seem more and more precious, perhaps rendered fonder by the tinting of nostalgia. I used to get these "nostalgia attacks" where I would detest growing old, would desperately want to turn back time, and crave to travel back to those lost faery realms..I have labelled them "attacks" as they had the power to elicit a sharp pain, a desperate longing and profound sadness on always experiencing the fact that those times in my life are over, that they'll only be memories and stay alive in my own private time-travels.Sometimes this very thought would get me depressed..and I would wonder that is there any point in living anymore?What new experiences would colour my life now?The unhindered joys of childhood, the rebellious & volatile adolescent years, the emotional waves & ripples a young adult's life typically encompasses have all left their impressions...and now I am in the routine life full of responsibility and working towards attainment of expected life goals.Is there any new brushstroke waiting to come now that life is mechanized? Perhaps, marriage and motherhood. Yes those are two experiences I like to dream about still..but that's it then. After that it is just fulfilling one's duties of raising up kids, and its continuation till the final journey..Of course this is not how most people think as life's offerings are myriad and are there for new lessons for us at every stage (and my own life is anything but routine and mechanized) but in the state of the nostalgia attack, these unfortunate thoughts flood my mind and I feel a boundless despairing for all that is lost in the inescapable alleyways of time, and then finally I forcefully inject in some positivism, rebuke myself for yet another foolish episode and take a plunge back to reality. I wonder if this happens to others a well... Does anyone else feel ill-equipped to handle the unavoidable passage of time?
Somehow the attacks have lost their intensity a bit, and after coming to IISc they seem to have lessened a lot. I cannot fathom why....but if I were to hazard a guess, maybe it is because the next accepted life goal of marriage is fluttering so near that it is clouding the fact that the novelty in life is giving away to routine, living is slowly losing ground to existing.(Of course such views belong to my low-states; the otherwise ebullient, bubbly me is more of an optimistic whiner according to most people).
Now that I have established the background of yet another aspect of my weirdness, I would dwell on the thought that started this outpouring. When I read the aforementioned comment (above, in red), I immediately conjured up myself 50 years hence. At 25, I have such powerful longing for times which are moving farther and farther away..when I'll be in my seventies (if I live to see the day) how would it be? What do really old people do about this desperation to turn back time? Would my winter-days be spent in traveling as far back in time as I can and staying in the imaginary world where life is still under my control and exist by going from one memory to another? It would be a solitary journey, as most witness of those times gone by would probably no more. Will I despair for the loss of familiarity in the world around me? Will a melody make me go back the long memory lane into days of yore? Who knows...probably when life is slow and there is time to retrospect and dive deep into the mind's wonders, with the knowledge of the light fading out soon, such aching nostalgia would be a constant part of my life.
But, then again, coming out the sober musings, I would probably strive to make the most of my life even then, even with days going by just living in the past. There are so many things that can make one useful, no matter what life-stage may be passing..I hope that I make an effort in that direction. I also hope that when life's struggles test me and there is destruction rampant, I will be able to handle that with grace and dignity. Anyway I am diverting from the topic and going into the slippery territory of "meaning of my life".Let that be a subject to ponder upon in a future post.
Somehow I have a feeling that this post has become too convoluted and abstract for anyone to make sense out of it.Well, no matter, my blog is more like my diary, a window to my soul and written mainly for my future own self so let this be a post which is for myself to relate to and understand in a time yet to come.
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1 comment:
wow. That was so beautifully written and well articulated. I don't know about others but it's not something convoluted or abstract for me. I get those "nostalgia attacks" too and I keep wondering if I will ever get to live those memories again. Maybe we should start a "can't-help-but-be-nostalgic" club.
Nevertheless, I hope when we are 70, we have lots to be nostalgic about. I would rather choose nostalgia over regret. Life is going to throw a lot of stuff at us whether we like it or not. Some of that will be sad memories that we won't want to relive. But a lot of it will be happy memories. The more of those we have, the more we have lived our life rather than just existing.
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